Romantic Torment

Journal Entry #1: July 16, 1998

Untitled
Author: G.C.M. (aka Romantic Torment)

In darkness I have been bred,
to live in misery and save my breath.
Shackled to the dirty floor,
remembering a time I once bleed.

In this, do I see myself,
all alone besides myself.
Troubled thoughts of a disillusioned mind,
and don’t tell me that the others are kind.

Depression and solitude are hand in hand,
like a gun and a bullet on the nightstand.
Misery loves your company,
and I am the soul that no one sees?

With passion it is all to me. Passion and me are like flame and fuel, wind and air. I consider myself to be passionate in all that I do. From my writing into the bed, I am never without passion. If I find no passion in something I am doing, then I do not do it. Passion is a woman. Passion is a light, small, but there to comfort. I embellish in it, enjoy it, like to taste new of it, and find happiness with another whom is open-minded enough for it.

As for love, me and love seem to go back. I have my quarrels with love, and while as much as I fear or despise love, I am not without love for everyone around me. I suppose that it is the loneliness that I live with that makes me feel as though I have been deserted, and the misery that loves company. I hate love, and yet only hate it because I have not one at my side that I can claim to be My Love. It is a hard road I push through, for I often enjoy my solitude…but if only I could find a woman that was as equally balance, well then I would be in a new heaven all unto itself. Love saddens me, scares me, angers me, makes me get depressed, sometimes (not often) can bring a smile to my face. I love this world so much that it hurts, and when most of the world spits back at you in contempt or out of ignorance/rudeness, it becomes hard to remain strong and caring. I get by I suppose….

I desire all the good things in life (happiness, money, good job, etc.). I desire a woman more over then anything. A woman who is like me, but not my mirror image. When it comes to passion, I want romance and sometimes domination over her. I want to be the lover who cares and tends to her needs….the strong mountain she can always lean on. Her friend and her mentor. I desire a woman who knows what she wants, has an open-mind, is not afraid to speak her thoughts, is self-dependent, and enjoys my presence. A woman that enjoys writing/poetry, and thus something to have a common interest in, a likeness to the darkness I speak of, and over all….a woman who will enjoy and accept me for who I am.

Yet, more often then not, those things I speak of our only dreams inside my heart, and things not seen by my mind. My soul spends much time in contemplation, and I am left to long hours….weeks and months just siting in my room….thinking. Sometimes they say that is bad to do….but, it is all I really have left right now. Thoughts and ideas awaiting to be shown to this world, and yet, I must wonder, is the world ready for my thoughts and ideas? I desire to be understood. I desire to be held in a woman’s tender, motherly, caring and nurturing arms…(I miss that more then anything from my old relationships)

So then, there is a sum up from me to you…hehe (sits back).

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Journal Entry #2: July 16th, 1998

Hmm…. It has been awhile. So much, and yet so little time. Things are still more or less the same. I sit here as the sun is making its way above the horizon, and I ponder a few things that are coming to pass.

First, a friend of mine for the past few years shall leave this day. Moving to the west, she shall attempt to make a new life for herself in Las Vegas. I can only be proud of her. Having enough courage to leave what she knows for a new surrounding. I suppose though that it is all our blood. She seems scared, but…I know she shall make it. Before long, much of what is here shall become a faded memory. A misty, unsure dream, as if it were almost not even real. Yes, I am proud of her. I loved her at one time, but she did not want to risk the chance of our friendship fucking up. Like I said, I love her. But, it is a different type now. Friendship love. There can be no greater for friends.

Second on my mind is my dear, dear, ex-girlfriend. She is surely a most interesting little soul. Losing myself in her over two years ago, I now get to sit back and listen to how she is fucking a close, sincere friend of mine. How interesting events unfold themselves around my naked, blemished soul. A story? All right, read on.

Over two years ago, I came to met a woman very lovely. She was coming out of a bad relationship (as she seems to many times), and we spoke beneath the August summer sky. I spoke to her of who I thought I was to be, what I wanted to be, and all those other great qualities that I think myself to possess. She smiled, and as stars shot across the milky way three separate times, our souls began to call for one another.

A week later, we met up at a car wash donation drive. An interesting time that no doubt drew us closer, and still till this day I can see the happiness that danced inside those eyes. Of the smile that never left her face, and even how she cried into my arms after an ex-boyfriend stopped to see her. I was her guardian. Her protector.

It would not be long before we decided that it would do us good to be one, to be together. Our relationship began to soar into new places I had never been, and I would end up giving her my virginity. ”’Twas a grand time…a odd feeling inside. I felt new, yet a piece of me was missing. I never regretted it, but I think maybe she took it for granted.

Time went on, and there were dances, long nights on the phone, and holidays to share. Then came my first job. Five months and going strong, I began working in December. She was proud of me….until attention was not being given to her as she wished it to be. I began working daily, and sometimes on the weekend. Needless to say, this lead to being the cause of our break up. That, and due to our “loving” relationship being based on sex, it would be both our faults in the end.

Two days before X-mas, upon calling her around 8:30p.m. to tell her of the gifts I bought her (tease her by hinting, but saying nothing), she was solemn, and her mood was indeed a mood that could make a happy soul cry. However, I did not cry, but simply asked what was wrong. Before long, we both knew that it was not working. That the love was fading, and it was now our time to move on. Her soul wished to explore other places, while my soul was lost in its own darkness. We had a mutual break up….she was a good woman to have at ones side (heavy sigh).

Two years later, and to bring it to the present, we began talking once more. In most of May and half of June, she chased after me. She was wanting to give things another chance. She realized that she was young then, and did not see what a great person I was. How great I treated her. How good I cared, and did my best to insure her happiness. Her words, not mine. But I was hesitant. I had mixed emotions. After all the pain I have had these past years, could I embrace a new light from the old? Would it be different? Could it work out this time around?

I decided to take things slow, and told her that I would need time, but that we could begin doing things together once more. I was attempting to play it safe. She became slightly impatient. One Saturday not to long ago, she was her, and while the night began on a bad side, we ended on such a good parting, that I was sure she knew my intentions could but be only good. I thought that since my hands wished and were given access to explore her southern reaches, that this showed her I still cared. That I was slowly coming out from under my suppressing darkness. That my heart was once again waking to the touch of love and romance…. Two days later, my friend called.

He wanted to speak. To come over and talk about my ex.. At 3:30a.m., he showed, and in shorter words, said unto me that he and my ex. liked each other, and he wanted me to know. They were going to say nothing, but he did not wish to hide it behind my back. That I was thankful for. He told me that he wanted to know if I would be okay with it. Whether I was going to be mad or angry with him. I replied, “Hey, if she likes you, and you like her man, then go for it. Don’t let me stop you. She wants to do what she wants to do, and I have no say over what she decides. I respect that you came over here and told me, that you wanted to know how I feel about it, and I can but only wish you two the best of luck.” Later that same day, the had sex.

I suppose that says something about my ex-girlfriend eh? She does mean well, but her desire sometimes seem to out weight what she forever seeks for inside her heart and soul. I am indifferent to how things worked out. She did fail my test though. I wanted to see if she would hold true. If she would stay at my side even if I was being indecisive to her question about going out again. I wanted to see if this love that she so proclaimed for me would stand solid in the mist of my doubt. Alas, it did not, and thus she failed my test. Cruel you say? Perhaps….but better then me and her going through hurt which may have came down later on the road of life.

I have to admit. When my friend told me they had sex, a piece of me….somewhere from the depths of my soul….from the darkness that blankets me eternally, I felt hurt. I felt a loss. A realization that the woman I once loved more then life itself, whom I had given my virginity to, and to the woman who cried in my arms would never be the same. That I passed up perhaps my last and only chance to have her in my embrace once more. I doubt this at times, and wonder why the tears have not surfaced yet. Perhaps I have become to numb to feel so much into this. Perhaps I’m getting better at respecting and living with the things that happen around me. I am unsure. I do know that I still care for her, still love her, and give unto her all my blessings to a happy life. She was my second love, and even though a dagger has been put into my chest, it shall be removed in due time.

Hmm….I believe I have spoken more then enough for this morning. Good day dark minded soul(s). Remember that while love hurts, it can bring about to you the greatest joy and light in life. Do not forsake love least you wish to forsake yourself and your own heart, mind, and soul. Never give up, remain strong, and when you do fall, don’t be afraid to stand back up, raise your head high, and show others that you are stronger then even the strongest winds in life. Hehehe….remind me sometime to listen and practice to what I preach.

© 1998 – 2009 by G.C.M. All rights reserved.

Journal Entry 1, May 31, 1998

The darkness has come to greet me this eve. I nod zombie-like, and continue through the door. I walk through this life as if in a dream. Literally. It scares me at times. To touch the bark of a tree, to smell the sweet things I smell, to glance around and take all of it in…only to feel as it is a “liquid dream.” My state of mind seems trapped. Unable to make the journey back to the simple mind. It seeks answers to so many questions unknown, and all the rest of me can do is simply follow.

However, when you come to dig and dig as much as I do, a certain amount of personal insanity seems to set in. This is balanced usually by the life around you. However, what if that life around you no longer is seen as a reality, but simply one of many? God speaks of the “kingdoms of heaven,” so why are we blind to think this reality a heaven? The problem is that we see this reality all to often as some sort of sick joke. Some twisted dream of a perverted god. A place of living hell. What if one were to say unto you that this was a place of heaven. That this life right here on earth is heaven. Most would laugh and call you a fool. Most would turn away, and claim you a sinner, damn to rot in hell. Fuck them. I say that my point of view is what counts for me, just as that point of view works for them. Why can this not be respected? Why must it all be so..difficult.

Instead of hell on earth, why not heaven on earth? Instead of thousands of different churches, why not just one church to the one God. The God of all and nothing. God of all gods, and yet every god. I believe that all religions are right and wrong. There is an amount of truth in even the smallest shadows in this world, and a little lie in even the grandest of light. Why not “The Church of God,” a place where every one of all different religions could come to worship. Why much we continue this strife against one another?! I’ll tell you why. Ignorance and rudeness is a human beings easiest tool. Those who come above this are the true leaders, warriors, saints, priests, ministers, and winners of this game of life. All our gods on earth are one in the same. Why is that so hard to except?

Yet one more topic: Hell. ( THIS IS UTTER BULLSHIT PEOPLE! ) Listen, and then you tell me. Christianity and Catholicism teach us that their is a hell where the bad people go to rot. Let me ask you this: Were humans so desperate to blame their own problems and decisions back in those days (and present) that they needed to create an excuse such as hell? There is not hell. Hell by their standards is an excuse for their wronging and mistakes. Why do we all look for an escape goat? Instead of believing that some mythological character such as the “devil,” or Lucifer tempted you, why not just accept the fact that you yourself was tempted. That you fucked up. That you made a mistake, and then move on?

Your God would teach you that He forgives, and that we all have free will. I say unto you this: Show me this God of yours whom seems to so often contradict himself. God speaks unto you Christians and Catholics by telling you to follow his 10 commandments. Why command a race you wish to be free to choose? Free to think? I believe like this book told me. They are not the 10 Commandments, but the 10 Commitments. Read it again, there is a large difference with those words. As to the contracting of God, listen. They say that in the Bible, God says do as you ill, your will is your own. I speak unto you this through that same God whom I say has spoken unto me:

“There is no sin, only mistakes. To believe that I would limit your choices, or hinder what you wish to experience in the realm of the relative, is not my decreed. Prosper within and outside your surroundings by applying common sense and an Open mind into the options within your given life at any one given time.”

Take my own words, and what I have said tonight into careful consideration. Although it may seem that I have something against the Christians and Catholics, I do not. I respect a lot of their teachings, but their over all view of things is all wrong in my view. They are to busy sniffing around in other people’s behinds, instead of cleaning their own, if you get my meaning there.

This is enough for one eve. I shall write again when it deems my fancy to do so. Good eve world, and good eve to you reader.

© 1998 – 2009 by G.C.M. (aka Romantic Torment)

Journal Entry 1, May 12, 1998

How is it this darkness can continue to be so relentless? I sit here, my soul, heart, and body in an emotional roller-coaster. Think not that the power of one can crush many. There is a rage I have notice that continues to grow inside this constricting flesh. It is hard to say what feeds it, or where the source of it comes from, but it burns.

What hath this life hold in store for me? To become embellish into societies dull lifeless existence. Get a career, but first waste four to ten years more of my life in schooling? All for a fucking piece of paper that says I can do this or that? Bull shit. Utter bull shit. Then, assuming a career is had, next comes the trouble of gaining a home. Then bills come. I can see me ever searching for a mate, and finding not one, so that looks all the more dark and depressing. Living alone forever in this world…I am, aren’t I?

I can not stress it enough how lonely it feels inside this body of meat and flesh, and yet every time I have contemplated my options, death does not cross…well, it does, but it is more of an understood finial to this life. Anyways, I look at my options, and all I come to is the fine line between sanity and insanity. I feel like a game is being played with me from above, and I am not enjoying it at all.

Death. The finial end to each of our existence here. Why? I hate death with a passion unlike any other…yet, embrace it in my own way. I suppose that it is the not knowing that is killing me. I want to know beyond a doubt if there is something after this? How could there not be? How could there be? Some say that when you respect death, accept death, she is no longer your enemy, but a great ally. I fail to see Death as a friend, or a companion. Yet, there She waits patiently, hovering above my being, knowing that there is nothing I can do to avoid the finial outcome. I am beginning to see less and less a reason for life as we all know it to continue at all. Why bother to live upon this earth if you are only going to be taken from it? Why bother gaining all this money, and buy a house, and etc. only to know that death shall rip you from your comforts. Death needs to die.

I can not understand. I simply can not grasp death’s purpose. Some see it as a release from this hellish imprisonment. Others despise death with every grain of thought. Then there are those that view it as Death is death, and that they might as well enjoy life while their here. To hell with this! Why? Why? Why continue living in this world the way we do? It is more then obvious that this way of living is not working for any of us, and yet no one will stand up and shout out against it. We all hide away in our homes, playing on our computers, go to work, then die someday. We call this living. This is dying! That is sleeping through life instead of being awake in it.

Humph. To hell with governments. To hell with this life everyone keeps living. To hell with society, and to hell with all this damn turmoil of shit! I want blood….

Don’t even think I am done. I notice that I wonder why this, and why that, and then this hits me. We live life this way because those that came before us thought that it was good to live like that. Those that came before us lived in an entirely different lifestyle. Humans never cease to amaze me, and don’t give me that your human too bull shit, because I am sincerely beginning to question that. We would live this life on this earth the way we do because others before us said it was good? So, then does that mean that killing is good? After all, wars happened all the time back then. No they say, we learn from the past, and war is not good. Avoid at all cost. Fuck those people. We learn from the past! The hell we are because I sure in the hell don’t see unity or freedom for all. I see pestilence, destruction, hell, spilt blood for a lost cause….yeah, sure we learn from the past.

You know something. The problems with humans is that it takes a large scale event to make them look. You can slap one, kill a few, bomb a place here and there, and still they will not look. Governments turn their eyes, lift up their heads like the snobbish assholes they are, and say that it is a domestic problem. The problems go so beyond that.

WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE! Live your life the way you want. Stop listening to what others tell you, and look within yourself for once in your fucking life on this planet. Wake up, look around. Things need to change…….and, you know something. This anger your hearing…this pain and emotional hurricane is not being caused because of some fear or event that happen to me. It comes from the amount of love I have for everyone in this world. I love life, I love the children in the streets. I love my enemies, my friends, myself, the animals. I love so much, and when you are like me, you look around to see that others do not think as you. You begin to see that everything around you is a mockery of what you value so highly. For example, look at are cities. They are infested with decaying buildings, dying morality, and lost hopes. It does not have to be that way my fellow man and woman….it doesn’t have to be that way.

I give up. No one is listening, so what should it all matter. My dreams are not another’s dreams, and even if they were, it is not getting me anywhere. People need to wake up and start living life, and enjoy. We need a new form of living because this is killing us by the day. Us, yes, as a group. Alas, I am a dreamer hoping we can live in a utopia. I am forever to live in a dream. There just is no justice in this fucking world.

© 1998 – 2009 by G.C.M. (aka Romantic Torment)