Romantic Torment

For some time now I have considered myself lost. I look back upon the path of my past, I see a moral man, a good whole-some man, that betrayed himself day by day. A man who fell more and more into a depression that ultimately has brought me to the state of being I am now - pathetic and destitute. I once held and defended virtue, honor, and friendship. These things were sacred to me, and I was always grateful for them above all else. I took pride in my ability to be friends with those that accepted me, and cherished it deeply.

And I cannot help but feel that my discord with society, my lack of faith in most religion, and my persistent questing about where I belong in this sacred life of mine has born in me a frustration, coldness, and anger I wish I were without.

Tonight I feel an emptiness in my soul like no other. It clings to my soul like a new born child would its mother, and leaves me fatigued and drained. My morals corrupted, my dreams and trust with people shattered, and every last drop of innocence I once possessed stolen from me. How are you suppose to wake up and greet the day with an optimistic point-of-view when this is the state of your life? Your soul? Your mind? Your heart?

What the hell is it to be normal anyways? The world is spinning in chaos, world leaders play rush and Russian rollet, the majority of children and young adults in this generation could give two shits about anything anymore, and are more concerned with the drugs and alcohol. So long as you have weed, cigarettes, some coke, ecstasy, and other party essentials your cool. Your down with the crew. Your a amigo. Compadre. But they don’t want nothing to do with the clean and sober. No. No. Fuck that. What the fuck is it to be sober, and why would you want to be I wager most of them wonder. So content to fucking live their lives in a drug induced dream of reality, illusions, and false lies they corrupt themselves with. I’ve too much pain they say. I’ve too much guilt inside they say. I just need to relax, unwind, and take a break from it all. How pathetic. Absolutely, totally, fucking pathetic. Why can’t they just admit that they’re afraid, disappointed, lost, hurt, and bruised on the inside like everyone else? They’re not the only ones seeing a fucked up world, but they sure in the hell aren’t helping by being lost within some drug induced daze! Just another life of potential wasted. A vagabond wandering aimlessly. And you know what? I’m sick of it, and all the bullshit associated with it.

People died for our freedom. For what freedom exactly? The freedom to disrupt and usurp the very freedoms, morals, and traditions that rooted us as a Nation to begin with? Where is the sense of loyalty? Where is the sense of honor? The feeling of brotherhood? Where is the trust in our government? How can we stand by and teach our child all the good human morals and to value life, and then so blatantly act against those very teachings, and still expect them to retain such good integrity in what is right when the very definition of what is right is obscured by the actions we play out everyday of our lives. This isn’t the freedom our loved ones died for. It simply cannot be. What has happened to the country that was suppose to change the world, for the better, and lead by example? Where is that country that tells the truth, so help them God, and stands with their head held up because they spoke the truth regardless of what repercussions it may have in the world? Perhaps we are near the end of life as we know it. Perhaps that’s not such a terrible thing after all.

Broken homes, lost traditions, drugs, and anarchy freedom pave the road straight to hell, and we’re all looking at it straight in the eye. Yet, not one soul is moving forth to radically change it all. Have but a dream, believe in that dream, and put action into that dream and one day you can make it a reality. We’re dreaming the wrong dreams everyone. When are you going to wake up and realize all you need is love. Love. That is ALL you truly ever need. Stop corrupting it. Stop being selfish about it. Stop being insecure about it. Just love for the sake of loving and knowing that someone will love you back in one way or another. How tragedy my misery must be fueled by the misery that festers in this world. Perhaps sleep will offer a better experience.

I am beginning to really believe that I’m losing my mind, going completely insane, or something. Perhaps I have had too much time on my hands…perhaps I’ve thought too long about the questions that have plagued my mind for so many years. While most boys and girls were busy with starting to date, I was busy asking large questions. Like: Who made God? Where did God come from? I find myself asking about Gods motives, if God even has any. The more I continue to live this life of mine, the more I think I come to doubt in his existence.

How ironic. How pathetically blunt it is to myself on what it is I am doing to myself. Here I sit, wanting nothing more then to live life. Yet, here I sit, also tired and fed up with life. Why? Why must everything be on a contradiction in my world? I try to gain tid-bits of wisdom and insight from a serious of books by Neal Donald Welsh, but it just seems like the words I’m reading are angering me more then soothing me, as they once did. I think perhaps it is because I envy the fact that someone else has been able to come to the peace, serenity, and understanding of God - and has faith and belief in it all. Whereas for me, I have lost faith and belief in everything, even myself, and I feel that state of living and thinking slowly killing me - literally.

Even as I write this now, I feel my heart…almost as if still beating only because of my defiance. My defiant will to admit defeat, and go to death in this state of utter…..disappointment and rage. Yet, there is a part of me that calls for an end. That pleads for this life, this illusion, to be over with. Know this, and know it well. When I die, there will be a part of me that will celebrate like no other. That will rejoice with more power then nature could ever produce. For in my dying, I will finally have come to a final end. A final choice. I believe that in my death I will not have the contradictions that are to be found in this life. No more aching knee cap. No more panic attack feelings every minute, if not every fifteen seconds. No more pondering life, and its meaning. No more existing, no more worrying, no more responsibilities….hell, the more I talk about it like this, the more it seems like the most befitting vacation for such a tired soul, mind, and body that I possess.

I cannot begin to express, or explain to you, what it is like to live a life with no dreams, no expectations, no will power to survive, no goals in mind, and no planned future. To wake up each day, and not go to work. To sit at home, trying to find something that excites my rather bored, tired, alone self. Sometimes I think life to be one fucking joke. A hell for the intellectual mind. A hell for people like me who cannot have just a simple, normal life. Which is all I’ve ever wanted to begin with! And don’t feed me that bullshit line crap about how “my life is what I make of it.” Or, “you live in the environment you create.” Cause you know what? I didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think starting now, I will live in fear. Every waking moment I will question my existence, I will fear for my health and my life, and I will sit at home alone, surrounded by no mind that can match me on an intellectual level.” I didn’t ask to have these….panicky feelings I get every fucking 15 seconds to a minute.

God how do I wish I had freedom! And no matter how in-depth I search, no matter where I search, no matter where I turn, I am still left with more questions then answers, and still questioning how much longer it will be before my heart finally has felt its last beat, and simply stops - exhausted from the struggling fight from within me.

How weak I have become….never what I envisioned myself to be. This is so far from the truth of who I wanted to be that I can only claim it as my personal, living hell, and unlike most: I have no escape. For, how does one escape them self? How does one escape the pressing questions that linger in the conscious and subconscious? How does one come to a peace and harmony with the world around them when they seek to know what lies beyond the final act - death.

Oh God, I am cursed!!! I question my existence, the purpose of the this world, and the things that inhabit it. All for what? One day I shall die and be no more. Then what? As I lie there dying, breathing my last breath from how weak I’ve become, will I then wish to experience life? I fear that as well. And so true as to my contradicting nature, there will be that side of me that will lament like no other. That will regret with more pain. That will be filled with such misery, sorrow, and all those other negative emotions and feelings….all because it will know that this unique experience I was given is at an end, and in all logical senses, there may be nothing when the darkness shrouds the sight, fear grips the soul, and the body cries to live on even as it dies against its will.

I am fucked. I hate, not dislike, but HATE what I’ve become. I can’t stand the fact that I can’t just enjoy life for what it is, and must stand outside of it. Always has been that way! ALWAYS! I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged, I’ve never felt comfortable in any one group, not even with the closest of friends….I am alone, with these emotions tearing me apart inside -literally (at least that is how it feels anyways). I just want to live a normal life…..a normal life…….to worry about what color my car should be, not whether there is a god or not. To worry about what shirt I want to wear today, rather then worry about whether I will be alive in 5 minutes. To worry about going to school, and not that life is a big fucking joke, and there is simply no point in any of it. Why live through all the drama? All the pain? All the heartbreak and agony? Why live long enough to watch your loved one wither away in front of you and die, and then placed in a casket??? WHY? WHY? WHYYYY???????

And you know something? This writing doesn’t help me what-so-fucking ever.

- End transmission

Forward

I’ve always found it difficult to go back, read something like this, and then be comfortable enough to post it for others to read. However, that’s exactly why it needs to be posted. I have to believe others may have felt the same at some point, and hey, it’s ok and you’re not alone.

What’s more important here is to remember that these are thoughts, written at an emotion point, and they should not be set in stone. It’s one perspective of my thinking at that time, and is in no way a final opinion on any subject. A quote I once read said, “Anger and rage is a temporary form of insanity,” and I believe that.

~ Romantic Torment, April 22nd, 2008

Journal Entry: Apr/13/2001

Here I sit listening to sappy music and crying my eyes out. I’m literally a mess right now. I’m reflecting on two people I lost in the past year and half. Two people that…were so close to me. My soul friend, Rex Daniel Judd, and my step-father, Nicholas Jr. Glynn. I’ve been told before by some that I’ve still not dealt with their deaths, and I sometimes wonder if its possible to ever totally deal with losing someone. Someone who…::breaks down and cries::

You know what? It’s not fair. Death. This life. This world. None of it. And it’s time for me to rant on it. We come into this fucking world with no answers, no explanations, and are just told to accept it. Well, ya know what…fuck that, fuck those beliefs, fuck all that your told, and fuck your faith.

What kind of god does not tend to his lost flock? And don’t give me that bullshit line that “one day heaven will come to earth.” If I hear that one more time I’m going to shove it down your fucking through until you choke on it. It’s not fair that someone must lose a loved one, and have not one fucking explanation as to why. As to why that person had to leave us, or where that person went to. What kind of benevolent god leaves us to find are own answers?

It’s one big fucking joke, and I’m sick of it.

Fuck society. Wake up and realize your ways are killing yourself and your children. And you wonder why there are shootings at school. Try being a parent, or don’t have children at all. Abortion all the way. Better then having some child grow up, and then out of hate for his life decides to shot my future child, or someone elses.

And don’t give me that pro-life bullshit either. If I hear that one more time I’m going to hurl. “Well that child may be the next president, or find the cure to cancer.” You fucking stupid idiot! If it’s meant to be, then it will be. Regardless if that embryo is destroyed. How fucking pathetic. It’s not your choice. It’s that individuals choice. STOP INTERFERING WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSES OF HUMAN BEING. GRRRR!

I swear to god they make stupid laws for stupid people, or in hopes of protecting us from the stupid people. Speed limits? What the fuck are those for? If some idiot wants to do 100 down a freeway, and ends up splattered against the wall, well ya know what? Oh fucking well. Maybe the next fucking moron won’t go speeding down that freeway at 100 miles an hour. It’s one thing to make people aware of the dangers, but it’s a totally different matter when you start governing our choices! LET US LIVE OUR LIVES!

GOD I AM SO ANGRY AND PISSED WITH THINGS RIGHT NOW!

The world is falling apart around me. Everything I once held close or true in my eyes has fallen apart. I’m one thing this minute, another the next minute. My world is black, then light. Then just silent. Like the silent before a storm that will thrash it’s vengeance unlike anything before. Rage, chaos, and sorrow all flowing through my veins.

I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost the ones I’ve come to love. Sad thing too is some don’t even realize just how much I love them. How much I’m willing to die for them. How much I care for them, wish the best for them, and think upon them daily. No, some do not know. Perhaps never will. What angers me to this is not that fact though. No. It is the fact that at one time I had them within my hands. I had their attention. Their every breath which whispered my name. But just like the turning leaves in autumn…it was gone. And I have only myself to blame.

I wish for this, I hope for that. My life moves no where fast. Day in, day out….I continue to wait, continue to search. FOR WHAT!?!?!? These days are becoming heavy indeed. My soul split between the light, the dark, and then the darkness of dark. Fallen Angel one moment, a knight the next. I think I’m heading toward insanity. May I find it in my heart to forgive myself of things that can’t be changed again?

I’ve fucked up so bad. God, where did I go wrong….