Romantic Torment

I’ve learned a new word today. There are variants for the definition of this word, but the one I included below made me *LOL*

Seriously?! I mean, what the fuck society?!?!! We permit this to happen to others? The repercussions and devastation this can have upon someone is enormous and tragic. Honestly? It’s all bullshit, and infringes upon our rights of FREEDOM OF SPEECH! Score one more point for the up-and-coming “New World Order.” Enjoy your illusion of freedom tonight everyone. *Whispers* Wake up!!!

dooced

To have all social hell break loose when people you know and/or family members finally find and read your blog.

“I went throgh a lot of trouble to keep my blog anonymous. It’s just not worth getting dooced.”

Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dooced

During a phone conversation with an old high school friend (years ago now; heh), it dipped in and out of the general talk, and then a good deal of it focused in on personal relationships. Now, as I was attempting to decipher why her male companion was acting the way he was (she recently told him she loved him), I couldn’t help but compare it to my own situation. And that’s when it happened: an epiphany!

I started thinking bigger. I began to think broader (not just about her situation or mine). I started thinking why so many of us have defenses up - especially as we get older. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps, as we get older, we’ve been conditioned from our past to not be so quick to jump into a relationship. We’ve been hurt. We’ve been scared. We’ve had our heart broken into pieces, left alone, and forced to pick up what pieces remain and glue them back together again. We make promises to ourself to never let it happen again.

Now, once we’ve created this nice defensive position and we’re all trenched in - why leave this blanket of protection and “comfort?” But then fate throws us a curve ball, and we meet someone. The next thing we know it’s six months (7 months, a year, etc) later and they utter the words: “I love you.”

ERRRRRRRRRR…. *tire scretching noise* WHAT?! Alarms go off. Sirens whistle. MAN THE WALLS!

Perhaps a bit dramatic, but you get the point. This opens up a new door, and a floor of questions rush in. “Do I say it back?” “How do I REALLY feel about THIS person?” “Can we really go alllllllll the way onto marriage?!” The questions are practically endless, and suddenly they find themselves in a quandary. Perhaps they want to reply, they want to answer your questions about the future, but they haven’t reached that next step. Up until now, that partner was just perfectly content on the road of happiness you were riding, and hadn’t reached that “pit stop.” The moment of clarity you had one morning, afternoon, or night that told you that you were in love hadn’t dawned on them yet. But, with three words you just laid it out - right in front of them - and now they can’t help but to dwell in on it.

When you utter these words to your partner, and they get skittish, leery, or a bit weird - think about it. Maybe they’re just reacting that way because years ago they put their heart out on the line (perhaps multiple times), and in the end got hurt. So, rather then being quick to jump into it, they practice caution. They ask for some space, or time to think things out. They ponder this and that, and perhaps whether or not they’re seeing the real you, or a future “togetherness” in the picture. After all, most of us act quite different in the first 4-6 months of a relationship, before we relax enough with a partner and start letting our real character traits “shine” through. When the real you begins to emerge. Now, for some this happens faster or slower than for others. For them, seeing the real you and finding themselves in you and with you, might take 6 months to a year, or even longer, before they can start lowering down those defenses and feel comfortable enough to derive to those three beautiful words you found: “I love you!”

And so, that was my epiphany. That, all this is taking place and happening consciously or subconsciously - to ourselves and with others. But, with a little time, patience, and faith; perhaps there exists a happy ending for both hearts at stake. One thing is for certain: young love is priceless as it is heartbreaking, but if we can overcome the pain, disappointment, and bitterness over the loss of what can never be, then perhaps just maybe - just maybe - we too can love and be loved again in what can be.

Goodnight.

Eternally,
Romantic Torment
~~~{~~{~{@

(Not edited. I’ll review this later and reword it if some parts are jumbled. Late and tired. Hope this makes sense and you enjoy!)

There are times when locked in deep thought that I wonder why bother:
why bother with working, growing, learning, aging…living?
Anything and everything - why any of it? What’s the point? It is all disassembled in the end.
Everything done is undone, and even dust is reduced into particle nothingness.

But, then I look around.
I look outside my window right now, and the beauty of night renders me speechless
….and I am reminded that its all worth it in the end.
Even if to taste this bitter sweet moment for a little while.
It’s something, and I’ll hold onto it as long as i can,
and embellish senses as deep as I’m able;
hopefully ending up intoxicated off the splendors i might uncover in this life,
and curing any notion of boredom I previously may have had.

Goodnight.

Eternally,
Romantic Torment
~~~{~~{~{@

Artist: 3 Doors Down
Song: Changes

I’m not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don’t know where I am
I wish that I could move but I’m exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I’m trying hard to breathe now but there’s no air in my lungs
There’s no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can’t help me ‘Cause no one knows

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes

I’m feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I’ve got something to say, but now I’ve got no where to turn
It feel like I’ve been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can’t help me ‘Cause no one knows

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m going through changes, changes

I’m blind and shakin’
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I’m falling apart, now I feel it

Now I’m going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I’m going through changes, changes

==========================================================

Shifting through music I came across the song above and sat back impressed over the lyrics that basically lay out how I’m feeling right now. In the last few months I’ve put a lot of emphasis on exercising/working-out,eating better, and taking steps to have a healthier lifestyle. Subconsciously, I’ve ignored a lot of friends in this under-taking journey, and I can only image how they must feel over my inconsistency to see them more often. However, when you think about it, a true friend never asks: ” where the hell have you been?”, or, “why haven’t you called ass hole?” Instead, a true friend asks: “how have you been?! Good to see you!” I rest my case on that one.

Anyhow, I’m going through other changes as well. It’s been over a year now since the end of my two year relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and I’m left wondering how much longer I’ll endure the bachelor life. Sure, it has its perks (most of them empty or boring anymore in my case), but I’m getting seriously tired of the one night, one week, a few months, or whatever bullshit. I never use to be like that, and I don’t see why I should go becoming a whore now. Yet, it’s ever difficult to accept the fact that you’re sleeping in a cold bed alone again when you know it can be warm - even for a night. It’s like that country song by Randy Travis, “Spirit Of A Boy, Or The Wisdom Of A Man.” You have a choice.

However, I was perfectly fine with being a bachelor, having fun, and enjoying the youth of my years while I have them to savour. I love to show a woman affection. I’m learning most aren’t worth giving it to because they don’t appreciate the generosity of that gift. Ohhh, sure, they do for a little while. But, after awhile, it’s as if they get bored with you and suddenly you’re shit. You’ve become yesterdays news to them. And some women have the nerve to preach about how bad and shallow some men can be - goes both ways bitch.

Yet, thinking back over the women I’ve been with in the many months since my two-year relationship ended (mutually by the way)…I’ve liked some of them a lot, and others were better off as “just friends.” Lucky me (sarcastic here) the ones I REALLY liked slapped a “just friends” label on me, and here I am still shit out of luck. Ohhh the irony. Whatever.

Right now, I’m not after love. I’m not after someone that’ll be my girlfriend tomorrow. Just want to take it slow. I am after a friend that can be a lover, not a lover that can be a friend. *sigh* For now it’s another lonely night and I’d say more but some things are best left unsaid (for now) and I’m tired of writing what sounds like some boo-hoo bullshit. That’s not what’s intended here.

For some time now I have considered myself lost. I look back upon the path of my past, I see a moral man, a good whole-some man, that betrayed himself day by day. A man who fell more and more into a depression that ultimately has brought me to the state of being I am now - pathetic and destitute. I once held and defended virtue, honor, and friendship. These things were sacred to me, and I was always grateful for them above all else. I took pride in my ability to be friends with those that accepted me, and cherished it deeply.

And I cannot help but feel that my discord with society, my lack of faith in most religion, and my persistent questing about where I belong in this sacred life of mine has born in me a frustration, coldness, and anger I wish I were without.