Lost; Freedom
Posted in Journal on September 26th, 2005For some time now I have considered myself lost. I look back upon the path of my past, I see a moral man, a good whole-some man, that betrayed himself day by day. A man who fell more and more into a depression that ultimately has brought me to the state of being I am now - pathetic and destitute. I once held and defended virtue, honor, and friendship. These things were sacred to me, and I was always grateful for them above all else. I took pride in my ability to be friends with those that accepted me, and cherished it deeply.
Yet, my inability to not feel like a stranger amongst my own friends, let alone anywhere else, has left me incapacitated, cold, and bitter. I often feel as though there is no right place for me amongst society, and while I’ve never quite understood that about my nature, I cannot honestly say that I despise it altogether either. For years now I have felt an emptiness that resides inside me, to the very core of my being, and I can only surmise it is the truth of my soul trying to speak to my mind - I long for complete freedom. I long for the open road. For camping in a forest. To wake and smell the crisp autumn air and look over the beauty of this world laid out before me, in all its glory and simplicity. When I write these words, when I day dream these thoughts, it is then that I feel something pure and perfect and wholesome and find the energy to want to LIVE MY LIFE.
However, I have come to believe that it is humankind that makes life difficult more-so then mother nature. To survive today is to know an endless amount of bills, responsibility, work, and self-sacrifice that usually goes unappreciated by friends, co-workers, your boss, and even one’s own family. Our society is so caught up in the materialistic aspect of life that we are letting the very god-given LIFE we have been given slip away, passing us by day by day, and doing nothing about it. If people could just unite together and take back what these corporations have wrongfully taken away…how better our world might be tomorrow then? What if the single mother or father had an extra day to spend with their child/children? What if a married couple could share the same job, and take turns going in to the office so that each of them could spend an equal amount of time with their family. Our society is being robbed of every tradition and value.
I feel I do myself a dishonor by falling into the mundane existence that so many people have already done today. I might as well be a caged bird, or locked up wolf. I was meant to be free from all this, and yet I feel like a slave. A slave to a system that will ultimately chew me up, spit me out, and one day ignore me because I’ll be too old in society’s eyes.
And I cannot help but feel that my discord with society, my lack of faith in most religion, and my persistent questing about where I belong in this sacred life of mine has born in me a frustration, coldness, and anger I wish I were without.
