Romantic Torment

Just a quick heads up:

I’m working on various projects right now. Expect more soon.

P.S.

Insomnia is a bitch. Later.

Eternally,
Romantic Torment
~~~{~~{~{@

Final Version: Undecided
Edited: No | Original Copy: Yes

Broken fragments of my broken dreams
lie scattered across the floor
I’m forced to walk barefoot across.
Yet, I’m numb to the obvious pain.

I remain caught in the undertow
of idolizing my failures
with such precision and fascination
that even a masochist would avoid; yet adore.

They cut into the heart of me,
and tears are a luxury expense
I can no longer afford.
These wounds just won’t seem to heal.

I’ve been alone all this time.
I’ve pushed everyone away.
I’ve created this madness.
Yet, I cannot seem to end this sadistic “game.”

And now I’m face to face with my nightmares,
and my fears have polluted my soul beyond repair.
Tired and languished,
yet lingering on without a care.

Heaven’s a daydream,
hell is a lie.
There is only the purgatory
we ourselves create.

But I’ve lost my key,
and trapped inside am I.
Suffering the torment,
that I alone devised.

Devil’s dance and angel’s cry,
over the cost of my selfish pride.
All my devotion betrayed,
my innocence long since dead;
I’m left hollow inside.

Demented in this passionless torment.
Walls remain fortified.
All access denied.
Self inflicted justice prevails.
Defied and abused, love remains a sin.

During a phone conversation with an old high school friend (years ago now; heh), it dipped in and out of the general talk, and then a good deal of it focused in on personal relationships. Now, as I was attempting to decipher why her male companion was acting the way he was (she recently told him she loved him), I couldn’t help but compare it to my own situation. And that’s when it happened: an epiphany!

I started thinking bigger. I began to think broader (not just about her situation or mine). I started thinking why so many of us have defenses up - especially as we get older. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps, as we get older, we’ve been conditioned from our past to not be so quick to jump into a relationship. We’ve been hurt. We’ve been scared. We’ve had our heart broken into pieces, left alone, and forced to pick up what pieces remain and glue them back together again. We make promises to ourself to never let it happen again.

Now, once we’ve created this nice defensive position and we’re all trenched in - why leave this blanket of protection and “comfort?” But then fate throws us a curve ball, and we meet someone. The next thing we know it’s six months (7 months, a year, etc) later and they utter the words: “I love you.”

ERRRRRRRRRR…. *tire scretching noise* WHAT?! Alarms go off. Sirens whistle. MAN THE WALLS!

Perhaps a bit dramatic, but you get the point. This opens up a new door, and a floor of questions rush in. “Do I say it back?” “How do I REALLY feel about THIS person?” “Can we really go alllllllll the way onto marriage?!” The questions are practically endless, and suddenly they find themselves in a quandary. Perhaps they want to reply, they want to answer your questions about the future, but they haven’t reached that next step. Up until now, that partner was just perfectly content on the road of happiness you were riding, and hadn’t reached that “pit stop.” The moment of clarity you had one morning, afternoon, or night that told you that you were in love hadn’t dawned on them yet. But, with three words you just laid it out - right in front of them - and now they can’t help but to dwell in on it.

When you utter these words to your partner, and they get skittish, leery, or a bit weird - think about it. Maybe they’re just reacting that way because years ago they put their heart out on the line (perhaps multiple times), and in the end got hurt. So, rather then being quick to jump into it, they practice caution. They ask for some space, or time to think things out. They ponder this and that, and perhaps whether or not they’re seeing the real you, or a future “togetherness” in the picture. After all, most of us act quite different in the first 4-6 months of a relationship, before we relax enough with a partner and start letting our real character traits “shine” through. When the real you begins to emerge. Now, for some this happens faster or slower than for others. For them, seeing the real you and finding themselves in you and with you, might take 6 months to a year, or even longer, before they can start lowering down those defenses and feel comfortable enough to derive to those three beautiful words you found: “I love you!”

And so, that was my epiphany. That, all this is taking place and happening consciously or subconsciously - to ourselves and with others. But, with a little time, patience, and faith; perhaps there exists a happy ending for both hearts at stake. One thing is for certain: young love is priceless as it is heartbreaking, but if we can overcome the pain, disappointment, and bitterness over the loss of what can never be, then perhaps just maybe - just maybe - we too can love and be loved again in what can be.

Goodnight.

Eternally,
Romantic Torment
~~~{~~{~{@

(Not edited. I’ll review this later and reword it if some parts are jumbled. Late and tired. Hope this makes sense and you enjoy!)

All my broken dreams
come back to haunt me.

I am forced to face
the reality of who I am inside.

And I hate what I have become,
but I cannot undo the past.

It molded me into this beast,
and I cannot apologize for that.

The Fates weave their tangled webs,
and lay our paths entwined.

So, forgive me beautiful if I do not cry
For all tears are spent and I’m resolved.

And, forgive me beautiful if I do not amend
for the error of my ways speak the part.

I’m simply a product of produced reality,
harsh environment and little choice had I.

I cannot erase the bitter memories,
I cannot unbind my rage.

All I see is madness,
all I see is a morbid masquerade.

So, I bid adieu to you sweet lady,
with delicious givings more blissful then Heaven.

Yes, ’tis best I leave you now,
and take my dark thoughts far away.

Afterall, I could not bare to witness you letting go of me,
whose sparkling eyes will surely dull with my impending absence.

So, Goodbye my sweet sweet nightingale!
Goodbye my sweet blissful bodily heaven!

Carry on! Carry on!
Cry not! Cry not!

**********************

Be damned I might as well be,
to never see the worth of me she sees.

Knowing that I could never truly have her.
I weep. I weep.

Walking away into darkness I do,
to wherever the Fates aspire me anew.

And hello once more do I bid,
to my romantic torment I had foolishly thought fled.

~ A new journal entry, a new poem, and a new page (check out, “My Music”) all added within the last 24 hours or so. Enjoy!

~ Added and revised “My Links”

~ Finally found a way to organize “Archives” by YEAR >>> Month thanks to “flexo-archives-widget”!

~ More quotes added into rotation as well.

~ Added a XML add-on module that will help Yahoo, Google, and other search engines dissect romantictorment.com more efficiently by creating a XML sitemap.

~ Other behind the scenes stuff